Way to be a Jackass
by Coffee Anon
Summary: Visiting an Aquarium can be quite entertaining if you know what kind of jackasses to look out for...


**Hi everyone! This is my first time dabbling into the fanfiction realm (long time reader, first time writer... bear with me, I have a weird writing style)! Feel free to review or not. Hope you all like it!**

**Disclaimer: I own nothing associated with Bleach (the characters, the plot, etc.). All rights belong to Tite Kubo.**

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Way to be a Jackass

Oshiro Misuki loved visiting the aquarium. She would wander aimlessly from exhibit to exhibit looking at the fishes, mammals, and birds who all called the ocean home. Her wonderment as she navigated the exhibits brought smiles to the faces of even the most cold hearted.

On this particular occasion, Misuki found herself pressed up to the cold acrylic of the penguin enclosure. The small birds all seemed to be in different stages of rest; some were fast asleep on their bulging, fish-filled bellies while others were fluttering their beady little eyes as they contentedly slipped into slumber.

"These are the African penguins found on the southern tip of Africa. They are also known as Jackass penguins because of their braying which sounds similar to that of donkeys. Don't let them fool you; they may be cute but they pack a fierce bite… Not to mention but many people don't know that penguins are found north of the Antarctic Continent…"

Misuki heard the ramblings of the tour guide as he described what the penguins ate, how to tell them apart, and so on and so forth. However, the bright-eyed little girl was drawn to a pair of penguins who seemed almost out of place.

"What's wrong with those two?" she asked the elderly man while pointing out a pair sitting together.

"Eh? What was that?" The old man seemed to be a bit hard at hearing.

"I think she means the two penguins over there. The one with the orange tufts and the small one next to it," replied a tall man with wild red hair and tattoos all over his body. The old man's eyes grew enormous as he looked at what he could only describe as a punk. _Kids these days have the weirdest fashion,_ the old man thought. He then noticed the companion to the red headed baboon and his eyes might as well have popped out of his head. She was a tall woman with the biggest pair of knockers the old man had ever seen – and she seemed to know it. Seeing the old man's expression, the buxom woman winked at him and caused the man to have a heart attack… or just become light headed from all the blood gushing from his nose.

It took him a few moments to regain his composure but the elderly guide rambled on. "These two are a pair of our newest arrivals. If you look at them you can see that the smaller one, the girl, has the markings of an adult while the larger of the two is still a juvenile male. The weird orange feathers on his head are unique only to him. We think that he may be a hybrid between an African penguin and a Macaroni penguin but it's a stretch.

"Not to mention that these two are a mated pair. Mates are very protective of each other and spend a good deal of time preening each other and braying to show their love. We weren't sure if the juvenile would know his part as a pair but he's protected her better than any of the other males have protected their mates and they seem very loving… although they fight more than others…" the old man seemed to get lost in his own thoughts as he contemplated the rather – _unusual_ – relationship between the pair. Shaking himself out of his reverie, the guide returned to speaking of the penguins.

"Penguins are known to be mated for life but recent studies have shown that these birds are known to stray from their mates and have affairs…" The old man continued as he started to move away from the penguins.

Misuki watched as the small female turned her head and could have sworn that she was looking straight at her. The little penguin had the most cerulean eyes the girl had ever seen and a severe almost haughty expression.

"Misuki, hurry! The tour is moving on…" Misuki pried herself from the window to follow her parents but couldn't pass up the chance to turn back one last time to view the penguins. The pair just sat side by side, seemingly watching the people move away. With a big sigh she turned and scampered away after the crowd.

No one seemed to notice the red haired man and the big breasted woman hang back. They watched the little girl follow the group and then turned their smirking eyes on the same pair that the girl was focused on.

"Renji, do you really think that's them?" The woman asked her companion.

"Rangiku, look at them. She's sitting there like a queen and he looks like he should be scowling. No doubt about it," Renji snorted out with an evil glimmer in his eye.

The human pair moved to the front of the window. As they approached, the penguin pair on the other side waddled their way quickly over to the glass.

"AYAAAA! Look how cute they are! Awww, Ichigo, you make the cutest little plump penguin I have ever seen."

The larger male fluffed out his feathers looking rather irritated and squinted his beady amber eyes at the pair. Too bad for him it only made him look cuter and caused Rangiku to almost fall out of her low cut top from all her bouncing around. Both Renji and the penguin Ichigo sweat dropped as they watched the drama unfold. Renji drew his attention back first and then continued the *ahem* discussion.

"That's what you guys get for fighting during a captain's meeting. Yamamoto-Taicho is already a hard-ass but you two had to go and start one of your fights in the middle of the meeting. You both are lucky this is your only punishment," Renji told the two birds. Ichigo turned his beak away trying to look aloof but the two non-penguins could see his displeasure. His pair, on the other hand, just sat and stared with a cool, statue-like expression.

"You know Rukia," Rangiku said to the small bird, "you two look cute even as a penguin couple. But you better watch out… it looks like Ichigo is turning his sights on the other penguins. You know how you got into this mess because of his wandering eyes. Apparently, he's even a philanderer in penguin form," Rangiku's smile widened innocently and Renji couldn't help snorting and cackling until he was rolling on the ground.

Rukia turned her stony gaze towards Ichigo who still had his head turned and her eyes squinted, registering an evil glint as she noticed where her mate was looking. Unfortunately for him, there was a group of females in the direction he was facing and Rukia caught a glimpse of them too. Ruffling herself up, and with a speed almost too surreal for a penguin, Rukia stabbed her beak forward and pecked hard into Ichigo's head. Ichigo cried out in pain and turned quickly, only to see Rukia waddling off, her head held high. Ichigo turned and followed, braying out towards her just as any jackass (penguin, that is) would.

Renji and Rangiku watched with matching smirks as Ichigo the penguin followed Rukia back to their little hut only to be blocked out from entering.

"That was evil, Rangiku. Ichigo hasn't cheated either as a Shinigami or a penguin," Renji spit out, wiping the tears from his eyes.

"I know but it's worth it when they're locked away as penguins. Maybe next time they'll learn not to start calling each other jackasses in the middle of a Captain's Meeting. Serves them right that Yamamoto-Taicho tied their spirit forms to penguins as punishment. A Captain and Vice-Captain should know better," Rangiku cheekily grinned and replied.

"You know, Rangiku. Yamamoto-Taicho surprised me – and not in his punishment for these two idiots…"

"Really? How so?"

"It's just… The old bastard has a pretty good sense of humor."

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**This story is actually based off two penguins that I have had the pleasure of working with. They are exactly like the Rukia and Ichigo penguins... I swear the first time I observed them, it was like watching an Ichiruki story! **

**Thanks! **

**Coffee Anon  
**


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